Sanity

Hi Guys! This past week has been a whirlwind I have to say. As you know from the previous blogs, there has been alot of changes or upcoming or possible changes, some good some bad and some even ugly.

This week my emotions have been but not limited to scared, sad, wanted, unwanted, anxious and unsure.

Aside of living life after addiction, life on lifes terms can be hard, especially if someone like me who has anxiety from ocd and phobia. Its a nightmare and today I struggled, sometimes I notice that alot of it gets worse when other stressors from family or marriage or other. Therefore today I took an early off day, got a massage and really took some time for me. Still not on top of the world with my anxiety but I wanted to share that I am still sober, so no matter what your going through you can do it and you will make it.

Much love ♥️

Packer Day…

Today is the NFC Championship game with my Pack vs Niners. Today is a bit better. I did some reading on the BIG D and really came to an understanding that even when things are not as I wish or I don’t feel loved, to not act rash. To not make decisions quickly and out of emotion also.

WOW! Did you hear that? “Don’t make decisions on emotions?” That is my biggest fault. I will continually not follow through the entire emotion to the other end, I try to stop the emotion with actions or decisions that are extreme. Yesterday, I spent a decent amount of money, but it was my best decision that I could do out of the choices I gave myself.

Am I a work in progress? Yes. I am and so are many others, but the good thing I do is recognize it and talk about it alot. I dont know if thats right or wrong. But it helps me so until next time…

#GOPACKGO

UFC…

I titled this not only because the McGregor fight was tonight, but because in a UFC fight, one of you becomes the champion or “superior”. It’s not that simple in real life relationships or marriages. Right now, my marriage is shattering, we are both gasping for breath and barely treading water.

I thought of this UFC tonight, because wouldn’t it be nice, that one fight and it could be solved? Yes & No, it would be nice if it was solved, but not leaving one superior over the other, it would be nice if we ended in equality and love. However, not all marriages get to live on forever, sometimes they are just a season and we can hope we take great memories with us. I feel like everyone is always changing or hopefully evolving.

That’s why we can’t expect the person we met 20 years ago to be the same person we need today…

Until next time… ♥️

2020…

New Decade, New Year…

I have actually now been clean and sober for just over a decade, yes 10 years! I cannot believe it, because I haven’t been working on my insides for that long. You often find when you are an addict the behavior comes well before you put drugs or alcohol into your system. I know crazy. Life can be “unmanageable” without substance.

That being said, the behavior or head issues, can stay long after you quit if not taking care of yourself (which I havent). In the beginning, the first 3 to 4 years, i always said “everyone, including people without addiction problems, could use a 12 step program”. I still feel that today, because since I haven’t been active the past 6 years at least, my life has been “good not great” but inner peace has been “garbage”.

It can be tough to surrender your way of thinking and your way, but when the misery becomes more than the happy, is usually when “I” look for a change or ask for help. For me anyway. I like to do shit my way and the worse part about that is I want those closest to me to do it my way too. Thus, is where some character defects of mine are really shining when I am not working on me, I want to control all people and things around me, but its not in my control.

Went back to AA last night. Not just AA but new, my own, not where I was before or with people before, because I didn’t stay because something wasn’t clicking anymore, I didn’t want what they had anymore. Thats the beauty of AA, many meetings and support you can find what you need. Will I go back? I think so.

Stay tuned for more of my blog on living after addiction. I hope to write more often.

Much Love ♥️

#bekind #behopeful

Seasons…

Well. Let me just start with 2019 was pretty shitty. There are a few things I can be very blessed for, new grand baby, sons are sober, I have great job, mom has no sign of cancer!!!

Now, you know how there are many seasons each year in nature, the same goes for us as people. We have seasons too of sadness, happiness, illness, contentness, anger, grief, growth, lost, misunderstood and even love.. I like to call these times of possible CHANGE in our lives seasons. You can also be experiencing multiple at a time.

Currently, NYE 2019, I am experiencing sadness, grief, anger, confused and trying to see where the silver lining will be? I think its going to be in GROWTH. But right now, Its hard to see.

Ironically, behopeful is my screen name and url for most sites. My first goal for 2020 is to fight again for behopeful.

Change..

Change your thoughts, change your life. Read this today and it hit home. I recognize as I am raising kids and grand kids even that when I guiding them, through life, I often notice I’m advising or showing them to change their thought process. As a recovering addict, I tend to know a little bit about “First thought wrong!” Its harder for some that think they are entitled or dont need to change, I work on a daily basis to see the bright side of everything that I do and entertain in my life.

Thought for the day; First thought wrong!

Happy Monday!

Friday…

Most Friday’s I’m so excited to exit out of work early. Anyone with me? Today though it wasnt that case due to a customer need at 340pm. It was exciting once I logged out and left. Not only because I get to rest and do house chores and errands, but also because I get to see my mom today.

Sixth week of treatment is done. Thank Goodness. The damage done to her chest and throat is just horrifying. But she smiled and took a photo today to send me, while stating she cant wait to see me.

Now, make the most of your weekend

Hugs!

worse before better..

We know this saying all too much, especially when it comes to cancer treatment. The treatments are taking a toll on my mom. It’s sad. But it’s real and even though shes so sick she wants to give she knows she can go two maybe three more days, even though after that another week or two will get worse before better. I often wonder, but dont you see how sick she is, how can it possibly get worse? It’s usually what happens when we are hoping for the better (healed) on the other end of pain.

In life and in recovery after addiction, sometimes (alot of times) we find ourselves going through real bad to get to the “worth it” part! Am I right? Sometimes its getting clean, sometimes its paying the bills and not having the splurge money for now, sometimes it’s a flu bug that we wish would go away and for me right now its having ability to succeed through being humble enough to be grateful and appreciate what I have and do while I wait and push for more, in both my career, health, as a parent and in my marriage. Its never easy, we have work to do, and alot of those times it’s worse and harder before it gets better and easier.

Have a good night

Proud mom…

Yes, in life after addiction I can raise a good kid, be a great example of work ethic, kindness, loyalty and integrity. This a message my SIL sent me about my almost 14 year olds first day at work.

Proud… much love💙

I can…

Do everything that makes me happy, makes me feel good, makes me successful, but at the same time I can make others feel loved and wanted. I choose wisely today who I spend the most time with, it’s called intentional living. “You are the AVERAGE of the 5 people you spend the most time with” always remember that!

Today. It’s a good day. Anyday sober and living my best life is better than my best day strung out! My mom hurts, her heart hurts, her throat hurts, shes smiling the best she can, shes grateful for all the messages and love she has received, but she is miserable. If you dont know, shes in her sixth week of radiation and just finished 5 weeks of chemo. If you know anything about radiation, the absolute worst spots to receive it is in the throat and in the anal area; sigh! I have realized in the past five years with so many deaths and sicknesses that we aren’t here to live forever, we are here to live our best life. Thankfully I finally started living mine. I definitely am proud and excited for the next day sober. It means I GET to be there for others, all others those who are my closest people, and even those that I dont intentionally spend my time with, I GET to still be there for them and give a helping hand; whatever it may be. Never will I be too busy or “better” than anyone, that is the difference of living intentionally and living selfishly. Dont get it mixed up!

Today, yesterday and tomorrow was never promised to be easy, but when we live intentional it can be worth it!

Good notes on today, I will be finally having an opportunity for a promotion at my current company, well, I am getting an interview. I call it an opportunity! Can’t wait, stay tuned. But I tell you, humility has given me this opportunity, 100%!

Take care 💛

Cancer Sucks

As you know, my mom was just recently about 5 days ago diagnosed with cancer.

That isnt what I wanted to talk about right now. Since I had blogged last we have been busy with family, supporting the best we can my younger brother and his wife as they were having to say goodbye to their son Martin and send him to fly with the Angel’s 😔

No parent should ever have to say goodbye to their child. The heartbreaking pain that they endured, rubbed off on me as well and I just wanted to take it away but I couldn’t. I could however, be present (sober too) and be there if they needed anything, even just me around. It was a growing time for our relationship which I am so grateful for, wish it wasnt on such circumstances, but I truly believe in “Life on Life’s terms”.

We also welcomed their new baby girl Marley Itzel about a month before Martin passed and being an auntie to her is one I am honored to be.

Always send love to those who have lost their children or are fighting a fight for their children.

Hugs

Hope…

It’s not happy thoughts and roses everyday once we get sober, but even the worse day can be better than a good day when your loaded. Some of us are in a daily struggle with our minds, thoughts, feelings and maybe our daily happiness requires 24/7 personal work, in addition to the housework and day job, just to feel okay! Sometimes, we are fighting things bigger than we feel, maybe cancers, mental health, parenting or relationships. I know we can come through on top if we quit drinking and using.

Today is a big day and tomorrow is a bigger day. My mom found out she has cancer in her throat. First appt, today with the head and neck cancer Director at Oregon Health & Science University, tomorrow is her “tell all” PET Scan. So I ask today that you pray and think of good thoughts, maybe finding the best treatment plan etc.

Thank you friends ❤ hugs

Hump Day…

It’s definitely not my favorite day but it’s closer to Friday than Monday. Lol.

I decided to bring you another update even though it wasn’t weekly, my bad.

Marriage has been good, we are really putting in some effort to connect again, which is amazing. I’m very excited and my husband isn’t as excited about the homework but he is doing it to see a smile on my face. That’s a win!

My 13 year old heart was shattered yesterday, hearing the news of my pretend boyfriend 💔 Luke Perry passed away at a very young age of 52. Anyone else? My prayers and thoughts go out to his family.

Healthy? What does that mean? I try daily to choose the best food sources I can, but I still seem to overeat alot and can’t seem to get to my idea weight. I am trying really hard but I can see that I need to make some changes. Tell me what you guys do to stay healthy… thanks

Until next time..

Been a while…

When I started this blog in 2013 I had all these ideas I was going to reach anyone who needed inspiration or anyone that was newly or wanting to be sober. I created this blog and a website that is no longer active called lifeafteraddiction.com but here we are and I am coming at a different angle, going to just write what comes to mind.

2019 hasn’t quite started off as planned, but does planning really happen? Not in my life. The last six months I have been working on myself with a mindfulness therapist and it’s really been helping in my own life. In the last year or two, I haven’t been working on my love/marriage life, it’s slowly been deteriorating before my eyes.

Do you ever get so comfortable that you forgot to water or medicate what might need it? That is where I have been at. Luckily, we have both decided that it is worth our efforts and we will see a couples therapist together. Stay tuned.

Now for my career life, I have been doing fabulous. I have been in the rubber belt world for 2 years TODAY! It’s going great and I see even some changes to my career or responsibilities changing this year. I am ready for more and ready to travel a  bit.

Healthy lifestyle is still brewing almost 2 years ago I changed my eating habits and have managed to keep 40 lbs of unwanted weight off, and more than that I feel better. During some of the past couple months I haven’t been perfect and I can feel it. Funny how stress and  chaos can cause our eating habits to go for all the bad stuff. But I am keeping it in front of me, so that i don’t let myself completely go. That wouldn’t be good. I have added an 8 min workout off the app “Befit” but have only conquered it 7 days this month. I will keep trying to make it a habit, I think minimal exercise is part of something I have been missing.

Lastly, I have 9 years clean off meth (well over 9 years) but I haven’t been feeding my recovery either, again getting too comfortable. It’s really getting me to look at my life and instead of just living it, but wanting to feed it and water it where it needs. I deserve that and my family deserves that.

I am going to attempt blogging 1x a week and see if my writing gets better or even sharing my life with those who don’t know me, maybe it will turn into an inspiration at some point or even keep me accountable by seeing what I did that week before or if I just sat in my Shit again!

Much love,

Behopeful

Existing?

Do you ever feel like your just existing in the same day in and day out?

I do of course, or I wouldn’t be writing about it. Good thing is I’m always striving at workfor more as well as in my health. Then realizing that why am I not striving in the community for more? Why not my marriage for more?

Well here it is, because I’m comfortable. As bad an answer as that is, what it really means is that I want more but scared to move forward. Even when we don’t think we are scared, just comfortable, fear is HUGE in our comfort zone!

Almost celebrating 9 years of sobriety. With that, I have had accomplishments I’m proud of, heartache that sucks sometimes, financial dispare and financial stability which is expecteda and lastly a 40th birthday where I’m also turning 9 shortly after brings me to why I am thinking of more than existence

Stay tuned…

Back at it…

It’s been a while since I took this blog seriously. Life is still going, sober too! Almost 9 years. Busy as it’s been I have kept my sobriety.

New position at work, loving it! Still selling Mary Kay on the side, focus on being a “Mimi” as well as “Mom” to my now 13 year old at home.

My new thoughts for this blog is going to be sharing progress of life, home and health (yes food!) I’m excited to share what I make that is healthy or maybe what I get out! But I want to inspire those who struggle with anything from addiction, family, health or even body image!

Stay tuned 😘

Gratitude…

Hi guys, I know I am not on here very often, but I plan to change that. Stepping up and being grateful today. Sometimes I can catch myself being a little greedy, and I don’t like that. Remaining grateful and blessed will be so much more rewarding in the long run, giving people more reason to respect you. We are all challenged in many ways daily, as we have our own character defects to squash, sometimes even every moment of the day and THAT IS OK! Recognizing it is what I am going to be doing to remain grateful.

Hope you all enjoyed V-day whether it was alone and that is how  you wanted it or it was with your Valentine’s.

This weekend I will embrace on my  blessings..

 

Hugs

Be Awesome Today!

I am so happy it’s Friday, even though it’s raining here in the PNW!

I wanted to tell each and everyone of you who is struggling in some way, whether it’s finding yourself, maybe it’s struggling with confidence and thinking you aren’t worth it, maybe you feel defeated in some sort of way, that I think you are doing what God sent you here to do, and that a lot of crap and negativity will try to define you, but don’t allow it.

Each and everyone of us are going to go through great-good-comfortable-bad and the ugly, it’s absolute inevitable. But let me tell you, all that matters is your MIND-SET, if you think life sucks and your worthless, then it does and you are! I know it’s tough to hear, but if you think life is beautiful and you are going to embrace it no matter what or who throws curve balls at you because YOU ARE A BEAST, then IT IS and YOU ARE a BEAST!

Dream big, however big is big to you, don’t hesitate to know you can do whatever you want, don’t settle for mediocrity and negativity, we  all deserve to live life on the highest mountain top. Remember, even if you don’t have kids or grand kids or that special person you have raised in some way, someone is watching you and you are their inspiration and their coach for life, if you are a small thinker and chilling on the couch the entire day that is what you will show them, if you are a big thinker and out running your life and conquering life, they will see that as well.

I don’t care who you are, someone is watching you and you may not even know it.

Go be awesome! Don’t settle for slum!

Continued from 2014..

Hey everyone, it’s been so long since I have been on here or uploaded anything. I am so excited, that I am still “Living after addiction” and boy has life happened. Right in front of my eyes.

Last year my husband had cancer, and we went through a long process of healing. I have two adult children, plus my beautiful daughter in law… And I cannot express how much I love my grand babies. I have 2. YES 2. This is so amazing and they are the most precious babies. I am not bias, I promise. Ha!

I work full time, in another amazing manufacturing company, I still work my Mary Kay, which is actually what I started when I stopped writing my blogs.<>..I got really busy, I was building a unit and earning a FREE car! So cool.

Now, I am just going to enjoy every day, live for today! I am planning some trips in the next year to the beach, hopefully NYC and also maybe somewhere tropical! I would love to just have some experiences we usually say “we are too broke, we are too busy” you know all the excuses we come up with not to live the life we want. I want to be happy, and I want my family to be happy.

Oh, and lastly, my youngest boy Braydon, went to his very first middle school dance yesterday! Crazy~

Well, I will be back way more often, this is me signing off!

It could be worse

Lots going on in my life,  life changing events, some days are better than others, but I am grateful for my life and the trials I get to go through as a woman of love and integrity! Tomorrow I get to serve dinner for the homeless at a shelter and I am really glad, things like this make me remember how lucky I am!

Strength

Today I will remember where I was 5 years ago, and be ok with my oldest son getting irritated by me or  annoyed by how much I do care, he says is “Suffocating”, I call it “love”!

I have to remember I am doing my job to the best of my ability.

XO Mom of a almost adult!

Inspire

Today I want to express what my blog is all about, and my website http://www.livingafteraddiction.com is all about.

It’s about inspiring those around you, those who are close and those who may never ever meet you. I think our biggest job in life is make sure we are setting an example others, and while we are at it, we show gracious walks, compassion and honesty.

Be that person everyone remembers as Inspiring in so many kind ways. Image